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More Toppers!
More Hilarious Remembrances of Vietnam Vets Darrell Bain and Will Stafford
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ISBN-10: 1-55404-861-3
ISBN-13: 
Genre: Humor/Speculative/Non-Fiction
eBook Length: 112 Pages
Published: August 2011
OUT OF PRINT

From inside the flap

If youíve read Toppers, you already know what to expect. If you havenít, get your funny bone ready for action. More Toppers contains forty thousand words of the hilarious mail sent to and from Darrell Bain and Will Stafford and itís all new! From Vietnam era humor to the modern day follies of a city boy trying to become a farmer, these two guys do their absolute best to top each otherís stories. They swear every single word written about their pets, their wives and their aversion to honest labor is absolutely true but youíll have to judge that for yourself, if you can stop laughing long enough.

More Toppers! (Excerpt)


I just bought a replacement furry white catnip mouse. The dog and cats killed and rendered the other one into tiny little pieces fighting over whose turn it was to carry it around in their mouth. I didnít know dogs liked catnip but we seem to grow peculiar ones here.

From Will--

You do seem to have something causing your animals to take on a decidedly different life style there in Texas. I have laughed till my sides ached with your description of the perverted antics of your dog and cats. Itís got to be in the water. I canít think of any other explanation

From Darrell--

Betty has to go have her teeth cleaned today. With that crazy heart syndrome she has to take a zillion units of penicillin the morning before anything even resembling surgery takes place. This in turn causes a yeast infection which costs a zillion dollars to cure. I was just wondering: is she supposed to take a zillion units of penicillin whenever she scratches, cuts, bruises herself, nicks her finger in the kitchen or garden, gets bit by a mosquito, etc.? It seems to me all these things are at least as invasive as simply having teeth cleaned. I bet itís a conspiracy of the drug companies to sell their stuff by golly.

From Will--

I donít know why it is that when the girls get sick it seems to cost so much more to get them well. With the guys it seems all you have to do is slap a bandage on whatever part is hurting, take an APC, and donít call me unless it falls off. Karinís medical file folder is twice the size of mine and Mikeís put together.

From Darrell--

Porterhouse steak tonight with mushrooms and baked potato with butter and sour cream. Speaking of cream, while I was out I bought some Pralines íN Cream ice cream. For Betty of course, and I doubt if Iíll eat much steak. líll probably just give my share to Biscuit. The tooth fairy will come tonight, too.

From Will--

Not only do you put the knife in but you turn it a time or two also. Here I sit with my stomach chewing on my liver for a little nutrition and you tell me about steak, mushrooms, baked potato with butter (probably real butter), sour cream, and ice cream. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go stand in the corner.

From Darrell--

I thought I got smart and hired two Mexicans yesterday. That just inspired Betty to think of twice as many things which needed doing. The hell with it. Iím going back to working by myself. At least that way I can sneak off and grab a nap every now and then instead of having to stand around all day supervising.

From Will--

I once decided I would hire my youngest son (he was still in high school at the time) to be my yard man. That was some of the most expensive yard work I have ever done. I kept paying him for doing nothing and it seemed I was still mowing, edging, clipping, etc., etc. I think he has always looked on it as one of the best jobs he ever had. By the time I decided to give it up and get a professional (when Rick went off to FSU), I was getting pretty good at the yard work. I also think I had advanced him somewhere in the neighborhood of three years worth of yard mowing in advance which I never did collect on. Well, what he doesnít know is that I have deducted the yard mowing and a lot of other advances, plus his Bachelor and MBA degrees from his inheritance. I believe at this point his inheritance is somewhere in the minus category.

From Darrell--

I found another use for bow saws besides cutting Christmas trees. They serve nicely to make new and interesting scars. Iím surprised I hadnít discovered that before.

From Will--

Darrell, turn the saw blade back around before you cut your arm or leg off. Or use the dull side. It leaves a less jagged scar.

From Darrell

Weíre already beginning to get early shoppers. They tell us we have pretty

trees but I think they just heard we were bankrupt and are trying to make me feel good.

From will--

It was just two or three weeks ago you were telling me how ratty the trees were. Iím beginning to think you donít know what youíre talking about when it comes to evaluating a Christmas tree. Maybe you need a professional. I know this kid who use to mow my lawn (before he went to FSU) whom you might hire.

From Darrell--

I freely admit that I canít tell what constitutes a good tree. Neither can our customers, for my money or we would have been out of business by now. Betty claims she can and I go along with her.

From Will--

If Betty is anything like Karin, claiming to know what constitutes a good tree isnít the only thing she is an expert at.

From Darrell--

We have a plague of possums since Tiger died. Biscuit doesnít seem to get the idea yet. He thinks they are to play with.

From Will--

Please donít lead Biscuit down that sexually perverted path Tiger took. Actually, Iím still jealous of Biscuit and the steak bones he is getting. Makes me want to see if there is any way I can file adoption papers on myself. I havenít lost any more weight but I sure am hungry all the time. Well, I havenít gained any of the weight I lost back either. For me, that goes in the win column.

From Darrell--

He isnít getting any bones (food bones, that is) right now. This is grab and snatch food time until after Christmas. The first thing your hand touches in the fridge or pantry is usually what we eat. This makes for some strange meals but also gives us a chance to use up all that stuff in containers and foil wrap in the freezers which weíve forgotten what is. A new surprise every day. However, I didnít care for the pineapple juice we had for supper last night.

From Will--

When my brother and I were kids something like a soft drink around the house was a real treat. We kept three or four cokes in the pantry but those were for Dad when he thought he was going to have trouble sleeping and mixed up some bourbon and coke. Dad had trouble sleeping two or three times a week. We were rationed even on orange juice for breakfast. We each got a small glass and when I say small, these glasses were just a bit larger than a thimble. There was no such thing as a second helping of orange juice.

So, with that as background. One day cow patty and I came home from school and it was a particularly hot day. Mom always kept a glass jar of water in the refrigerator so we headed for the fridge. Actually we raced for the refrigerator and I won. I grabbed the water jar and was gulping down water in an attempt to drink the entire contents and thus deprive the hairball of any. Suddenly he spied a glass with something in it and grabbed it. He held it up and damned if it didnít look like pineapple juice. Mom had been baking because the smell was still in the air.

I grabbed for the glass but hairball was faster and downed the contents of the glass. The look on his face was memorable. He started gagging and trying to spit the liquid out but it was too late.

Mom had sure enough been baking and whatever it was she baked, she needed several egg yokes for it but not the egg whites. Old cow patty had drunk several egg whites. I laughed my butt off.

Note* Cow Patty and Hairball are both names Will keeps in store for his little brother.

From Darrell--

My little brother tried to drink something before I did, too. He was very

young. So was I, for that matter. What he drank was a glass of kerosene (I donít know what it was doing in a glass). That cost a hospital trip for him and a spanking for me for not watching him, which I thought was grossly unfair. I watched him drink the whole glass.

From Will--

I guess thatís what little brothers are supposed to do. That is, do stupid things that get their older brothers in trouble. For my money, I vote for your being very attentive. As you said, you did watch him drink the whole glass, therefore, in a strictly legal sense, you did watch him. I believe you will find, the definition of watching was completely and truthfully met and as such, you cannot be held responsible for his action. Does that garbage sound familiar? Maybe I should run for President. If that jerk can shave the truth that finely, why not us lowly mortals also?

From Darrell--

Somehow, I got dragooned into making wreaths yesterday. I got out of it at

first by claiming I had to get an emergency haircut, then told Betty that I thought the tires on the truck and car looked a smidgen low and I had better go have them checked--at my favorite station about 50 miles north. She told me she had just had the tires checked and to shut up and get to work and that was that.

From Will--

It was a nice try and I applaud your inventiveness. Because it didnít work is beside the point, the effort to get out of work is the important point. Of course it would be a nice addition if it really worked. Most of the time mine donít work either.