Gumaholic

Dear Louise:

I am embarrassed to say that Deidre has become addicted to gum. She’s been chewing away for years ever since I gave her a piece during our wedding reception. Surprisingly, it hasn?t affected her job performance or her health. She does help make her dentist’s BMW- 7 series payments a lot easier. I guess some folks would call her a functioning gumaholic.

It’s strange to be married to a person who has an addiction. She chews so often that I hardly want to take her anywhere. It’s not that she isn?t attractive, but she smack, smack, smacks all the time. When she started chewing, it was an occasional smack here or there. As she’s increased her input from a pack a week to six packs a day, she smack, smack, smacks from breakfast to bedtime! Can you imagine? She even sneaks a couple of sticks in with her eggs first thing in the morning! Wonder how she chews gum and eats eggs at the same time?

She hides gum everywhere. I find it stacked behind bottles in the bar, tucked away with her ?undies? in the bedroom dresser, behind pots and pans in the kitchen, and even in our car’s ashtray.

Whenever I uncover some of the stashed treasure, I put it in a bag in my briefcase. When the bag is full, I empty it the nearest trash receptacle on my way to work Unfortunately, she just buys more. She takes the new supply and hides it all over again. As if no one knew.

Good thing Diedre took sculpture in college. When she’s through chewing, she goes out to the back yard and places a new bauble on her structure. She uses the spent gum to hold the trinket in place. At the rate she’s going, it won?t be long before we have another Watts Tower.

I used to take her to the opera or the symphony. It just tore me up when there was a lull in an aria or a pause between movements. All of a sudden there would be the distinctive reverberation of smack, smack, smack around the hall. Sure was a head turner.

Every time I try talking with her; she just cuts me short with a version of:

"Yeah, Charlie, I chew a little gum. So what!" she says, "Keeps my breath fresh and my mouth clean. Could be worse. Gimme a break, here!"

Guess I?ll just have to live with it. Wait until she finally has a complete breakdown. Then, I?ll get her to admit her dependence. Once we get there, she?ll be able to start on the long road back. Maybe, she can join Gumaholics Anonymous.

I?ve been thinking about joining Gum-Anon. I need interaction with others who are experiencing the same sort of thing.

Please understand and keep her in your heart.

Your loving brother,

Charles

P.S. I sure have come to enjoy Jelly Bellies over the past few months, especially, the ones that taste like bubblegum.